if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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