I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
