The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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