I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
