Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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