thus making me awesome and them whores
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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