I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize