I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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