woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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