Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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