I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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