Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
