we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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