Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize