Are we in a gay sports bar?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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