It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
