my vag is so smooth its legendary
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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