Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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