I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
