my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
