Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
