I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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