please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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