I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
