Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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