last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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