she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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