I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
