It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
