He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
