the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
