life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
