and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
