Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
