so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
