there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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