I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My penis needs a shock collar
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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