Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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