i can't believe i had my finger in that
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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