Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
