Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You ruined the universe
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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