i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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