He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
