I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
