the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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