Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
