everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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