There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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