I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
