Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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