wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize