I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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