Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
