I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
