Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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