my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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