My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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