I accidentally had phone sex last night
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
