Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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